One day Zakiyyah joined the army. And you’ll never believe what happened next! What happened next was Zakkiyah hated (loved) the army. When you hate-love something it’s a very confusing experience. I’m sure you’ve had something you hate-love like crusty macaroni and cheese or the first Transformers movie. Zakiyyah hate-loved the army.
She hated it because of what it represented, the evils of war, the reality of taking human life, taking advantage of the disadvantaged. These are decidedly un-dope things. But she loved it because of the structure it provided. Zakiyyah didn’t have a lot of structure at home. But in the army everything was beautifully structured. The army was a well-run clock.
Wake up at mother-fucking 5am sharp. Make your mother-fucking bed. Clean your giant mother-fucking gun. These words were screamed at her mother-fucking daily and she did everything as expected. It was her easiest job. It was easier than Starbucks. At Starbucks her manager didn’t tell her what to do so she didn’t do anything at all. Zakiyyah isn’t very self-directed. She needs an occasional mother-fucking drill sergeant to keep her in mother-fucking check. But we’re not talking about fucking mothers; we’re talking about how Zakiyyah accidentally shit in her bed while she was in the army.
This story is one that Zakiyyah likes to keep under wraps when she talks about the army. Actually that’s a lie. This is Zakkiyah’s favorite story to tell at cocktail parties because she likes to make people uncomfortable and she’s a loud sort of person that does loud sort of person things like telling stories about shitting the bed at cocktail parties. What happened to cause her to shit the bed was all this gosh darn Raisin Bran.
You see, in the army you don’t get the best of the best of food all of the time and for breakfast every morning Zakiyyah ate some mother-fucking Raisin Bran. She kept telling people that she couldn’t eat it. That it gave her gas and made her poop too often. But do the people in the army care about your gas and poop? In case you were wondering the answer is no. How often you’re shitting is the last thing the army cares about. So Zakkiyah had to keep on keepin’ on and eat that Raisin Bran. Or else she’d go hungry at breakfast. And being hungry while being in the army at the same time is a horrible position to be in. Just ask someone who fought in WW2 and that’s what they would tell you if they were still alive.
Well anyway, one night Zakkiyah has a weird dream. In her dream she’s swimming underwater in a beautiful green and red two-piece bikini. The bikini is green on top and red on bottom. It’s one of the sorts of bikini’s that has the high waist. It doesn’t matter what the bikini looks like for the story it’s just nice to hear what someone was wearing sometimes. So she’s swimming underwater in this beautiful two-piece and all of a sudden there’s a giant ass shark swimming next to her! And when I say giant ass shark I mean giant ass shark because the shark is shaped like a giant ass.
Zakiyyah doesn’t know what to do all she knows is that she’s scared. And then she sees a giant needle just sticking out of the bottom of the ocean floor and floating around kind of wobbling. And for whatever reason she decides she needs to stick this needle in her own behind to get away from the ass shark. So, she swims down to get it and sticks the needle in her ass and then all of a sudden all of this air starts blowing out of her behind and she gets jet propelled away from the shark. The feeling of the air getting blown out of her ass in the dream is eerily familiar to the feeling of pooping when you’ve eaten too much Raisin Bran. And wouldn’t you know it when Zakiyyah wakes up it turns out she shit the bed. And that’s the only time Zakiyyah ever got in trouble while she was in the army.
After the army Zakiyyah went back to her normal life and had her normal life troubles. But she’ll always remember that dream. She’ll always remember the army. That story is one of the stories that Zakkiyah hate-loves to tell.