Ian, you just have to hold your breath for seven minutes. Seven
minutes in heaven. David Blaine held his breath for like twice that.
I mean, I’m not David Blaine. Although I do know how to make a
Wait, this is July 4th, 2004. David Blaine won’t hold his breath for
another four years. And now that I think of the rules: I’m allowed
to breathe. I’m just not allowed to leave the closet. Oh god, she’s
coming close to me. What if we kiss the whole time? You can’t
breath when you’re kissing, right?
At Douglas Ranch Camp, a few years prior: Jared and Max were
ogling pictures of Emma Watson in The Sorcerers Stone. Max
kept calling her “so fit.”
At his cabin: "She's so fit"
At the pool: "She's so fit"
At the archery range: "She's so fit,” missing the target entirely.
We’re only ten I told them. Can we talk about something else?
Jared asked me if I had started growing pubic hair.
Is that hair on your penis?
“No, it’s hair on your balls.”
Oh, in that case, no.
Perhaps that was my excuse for still going kiss-less into the
summer of 7th grade.
But now, this lovely July Day, this was my chance. Jessica had
asked me out. She also invited four of her other guy friends to the
BBQ and that seemed kind of normal. And then the six of usplayed strip poker. That seemed less normal. Then, after that, she said we should play seven minutes in heaven. I wasn’t even the first one in the closet with her. Screw normal, I’m about to break my kissing virginity and I’m terrified.
Still, my ego urges me to move towards her. The most attractive
thing about her is that she is attracted to me. You may have
noticed me egotistically naming this fictional character after
myself and guess that this is still true today. About the fictional
character, I mean.
Now, you may notice that self-reference and think, “when is he
going back to the story? I really liked that bit about summer camp,
I hope he goes into that more, and that David Blaine thing that
was weird – Oh, I get it, all of this rambling is him avoiding moving
forward! It’s a faux-intellectual bullshit representing his fear: this
probably stems from him being coddled as a ki-“
She whispers, somehow very loudly.
Now she’s moving even closer. But she doesn’t say anything and
before I know it, we fall into kissing.
This is not so bad or hard. Am I doing it right? I’m not really
enjoying this. Maybe I’m gay. Should I open my mouth? Maybe If I
was kissing Sarah Schenker I would enjoy it more. I had a huge
crush on Sarah Schenker.
Our lips pull apart and Jessica looks at me quizzically. “Have you
ever frenched?” She asks.
No, I don’t say.
Finally, finally, sparing me my response, the door to the closet opens. “Times up.” says whoever was the most anal of her four friends. I rush out of the closet— my ego’s never coming down from this high. I start self congratulating. Nice work there Ian. Just you wait till next time you play ’never have I ever’ you sly dog you. I give myself a few head nods, you know, the kind that older brothers give. The boys start to spin a bottle to figure out who will go in the closet next, when something slowly dawns on me. Wait… Jessica was in the closet before me … with someone else… with someone she told me was her ex.
I let out a deep sigh.