Many people ask me why it was time for me to write this memoir now. I do not mean to brag, although I actually do, but I am one of the few people to spend time with Lennifer Jawrence in my dorm room at Sarah Lawrence College in the spring of 2013. The first time my eyes met Lennifer Jawrence’s talent was in 2007 at an audition for the Bill Engvall Show. The room was filled with blonde bombshells, including myself with Lennifer Jawrence talking about her affinity for Philly cheesesteaks. Also a fan of Philly cheesesteaks I chimed in, “I love Philly cheesesteaks too.”
Lennifer Jawrence said, “cool” and we immediately became best friends. Such great friends where we didn’t even need to talk to each other. Such great friends where her saying, “Why are you staring at me?” was a playful phrase. We sat next to each other with smiles on our faces like friends do. We were best friends for a solid twenty-two minutes. And then the audition came. The casting director, a wiry man with glasses and a purple plaid shirt with frosted tips like a long lost member of Dream Street, waltzed in and called in Lennifer Jawrence. She went in and I could hear her from inside the room. I could hear my new best friend kill it in a way I had never heard before. Her interpretation of the scene in which the daughter is caught leaving the house in a revealing miniskirt was hilarious, disturbing, cathartic, heartbreaking, and silly.
I knew I had to do something different. I abandoned the script all together and decided to do what I do best which was “Mad Girl’s Love Song” by Sylvia Plath. I did not book the part. Instead, the part went to Lennifer Jawrence. When I went back home to Wisconsin, I tried to keep in touch with Lennifer Jawrence, facebook friending her, but she never returned my messages. I moved on. She moved on.
Until February 24, 2013, I was watching the Academy Awards from my dorm room at Sarah Lawrence College. I was having a relaxing evening with my Lean Cuisine and can of Diet Coke when I saw the most frightening sight. Lennifer Jawrence won the Oscar for her role in Silver Linings Facebook, a movie about finding the positive on a social media site in which she played a woman with issues who falls in love with an older man with issues and a bunch of other stuff happens and it ends in a dance.
Never have I felt so much despair, sobbing over my enchilada suiza and rice, but I decided to do what any sane person would do. I was gonna kidnap Lennifer Jawrence. I booked the first flight to LAX, stalked Lennifer Jawrence at her favorite juice place with the help of TMZ, and offered Lennifer Jawrence a cheesesteak. She couldn’t resist and I couldn’t resist bringing her back to my dorm room at Sarah Lawrence so she couldn’t book anymore jobs and I could take her place as a star.
Word got out that I was besties with America’s Sweetheart and little did they know she was in my dorm all along! We had many great conversations about the weather, how we were doing, and the secret to her success to which she said, “being yourself” to which we both broke out laughing. And then, as the media started speculating what happened to the star, I decided to let her go. Like a bird. So, I have written my memoir, My Time With Lennifer Jawrence. Please contact me any way possible to receive a copy. And if you see Lennifer Jawrence, tell her I say “hi”.