Dear English Department Colleagues,
It has come to my attention that there is an ongoing pest control problem in the departmental office suite. Last week, one of our colleagues discovered an unidentified vermin rummaging through her file cabinet. Based on a cursory Google search, it is likely that the intruder was a “scout” in search of nesting habitat and not the sign of an active infestation. Either way, we must take immediate steps to prevent this from becoming a larger problem.
The office suite was treated by an exterminator over the weekend, but the gentleman noted that conditions in our offices make it likely for the intruders to return. Here are some common items that encourage pest infiltration:
- Large piles of papers;
- Unused stacks of books;
- Food items of any kind;
- Discarded dreams of teaching in a more prestigious university.
It’s time to get real, folks! The actions of one person have an impact on the rest of the department. A single messy office will eventually lead to all of us having this problem. As one lemming said to the other as they approached the cliff, “I don’t know where we’re going, but at least we’re all in this together.”
To be clear, lemmings are not one of the particular vermin with which we are currently having a problem. Lemurs, however, may be. We won’t know for sure until we get DNA results back from the biology department. As a side note, lemur mating noises, according to Wikipedia, are strikingly similar to the sound your soul makes the moment you realize that you’re working at the place where you are likely to die – unfulfilled, unloved, unmissed. If you should happen to hear a sound like that in your office, please notify the janitorial staff immediately due to the remarkably high birth rate of lemurs. And just to cover all bases, you may also want to call the Wellness Center to speak with one of the therapist interns.
In the meantime, I would implore you all to go through your offices with a jaundiced eye and strongly consider tossing out those old stacks of papers, selling off unneeded textbooks and incinerating the desiccated husks of your once-promising academic futures.
Have a great semester,